Reflecting back

This is the post excerpt.


November 11, 2014

Today marks the 3 year anniversary of my mothers passing. I feel oddly uncomfortable in my own body, irritated and angry. I can see a clear pattern now of how I get really pissed off at people who are in an unconscious state of mind with deep stubborn roots of denial, pin pricking me as I stare into the faces of the people who challenge me in this moment. So often is the case, that I (allowed myself to) have been used as a scapegoat for those who not only refuse to own their shadowy reflections, but also try to project their unfinished business onto me for giving them insight as to what I see unraveling for them. “Shoot the messenger” game is one that I’m so very familiar with and am ready to pivot beyond. For years and possibly in my past lives as well, I’ve been able to sense some aspects of the future and sometimes, can have a higher read on people (I’m clairaudient). When you see (or hear) things clearly, you have an innate desire to save, help or at the very least inspire people to ascend their consciousness and see the game of life and the specific lessons we are all signing up for, in play.  I’ve since learned that it is dishonoring  to hurry someone through the apex of their moment of feeling something so deeply in order to gain insightful  wisdom. I believe we agree to experience certain hardships and themes in order to learn, grow and evolve not only ourselves but the collective conscious.

Historically, I’ve always gotten nailed for giving a proactive message while exhausting myself by leaking my energy and light to feed those I witnessed suffer as “needing help.” I’ve since come to realize that people just want to vent and rarely ask for help (when in their full learning experience). When you try to help those that don’t ask for it, you exhaust yourself and your energy to the point of either having apathy or anger from being drained. Then eventually abandoning that person by feeling bitter and unrecognized for your tireless efforts to help. The person inevitably will go right back to where they were before the friendly intervention. Yes, the “pearls before swine” theory is alive and well in this scenario.

Now that I’ve become overly cautious to reserve my energy and my unsolicited life coaching to any given person, I hold a signal of resistance in my field that oddly, my hamstrings seem to enjoy holding on to. I believe the body has a language and will always signal you much like a “check engine light” does in our cars. We must pay attention and learn this new-found language of the body if we want to insight a deeper change within. My spiritual teachers have told me that the hamstrings represent connecting with other people. When strained, my body is telling me that I’m hesitant to move my impulsive feelings of “oh no, fix the sad friend” because I already have learned that is NOT what serves me, yet I’m frozen, not knowing HOW to be in the presence of a person in pain at the moment. I’ve been mentored to just feel it (that uncomfortable feeling of witnessing pain) to heal it, 3 seconds of intense feelings for each moment of every thought that steals my attention away from my pattern to ultimately control my environment. That’s it, CONTROL. I must surrender control of the “read” (intuitively) in order to get to the root of my feelings and process it through my body rather than analyze to paralyze my inner movement.  Sometimes, logically thinking about things (so as not to feel intense emotions), regresses our own emotional intelligence towards enlightenment. 

Currently, a young woman I’m mentoring through a non-profit group, is in such a deep state of denial in her marriage that I’m being faced with severe hamstring strains in my yoga practice. This denial theme, was a pattern created before my very young eyes by my mother. She was in such a huge state of denial in her marriage to my father. She refused to see that he was sexually abusing me, so it was easier for her to make me the scapegoat of being a “difficult child”.  Her lack of not being able to process her own emotions were projected onto me like a trash can. I became her trash can of unwanted feelings. I can see clearly now that I kept recreating theses patterns because they were my imprint from my caregiver;mom.  At age 46 with 3 years of my mom’s death behind me, I can finally break through the cycle of an unconscious painful repetitious pattern from my imprint. But my hamstrings are there to remind me that I’m only holding my breath and that I need to feel my feelings MORE if I want to break free. 

Addendum: September 21, 2017

That was life for me 3 years ago. My hamstrings healed as I learned to feel my feelings of discomfort being in the presence of another in pain. I still feel that we all need to be seen and heard. “Do you see me? Do you hear me? Do I matter? I was constantly trying to help myself through helping others. Foregoing my own darkened shadows that I could so clearly illuminate in others, brought much sorrow into my life, until it didn’t. We always like and loathe in others what we like and loathe within ourselves. The shadow prevails but the heart wants to heal and feel connected through the light of love. That to me is, “living in the light.”